Chapter 104 Guilt
My hand holding the phone involuntarily shook, and I opened my mouth to say something, but I realized that I was somewhat incoherent. I tried hard to calm myself down, but the more I calmed myself down, the more my hands and feet shook instead. My lips shivered, and I asked a sentence only after half a day, what did you say …… Lin Jing is dead?
On the other side of the phone, Lin Tian heard the name of Lin Jing, as if he could not suppress the feeling of grief in his heart, and earlier he was only stoically sobbing, but now he was already bawling.
I stared blankly ahead, the ghostly shadows in the village gathered toward the impermanent, their figures suddenly fast and slow, and finally disappeared completely as if their lives depended on it.
The phone in my hand snapped to the ground and the battery fell out. My mind was blank, Lin Jing's bad news was like adding water to a boiling hot frying pan, burning away the last trace of resistance to death in my heart, and what was left was only full of fear.
I fell to my knees with a plop, my heart was very quiet and still, so quiet that it made me feel horrible, even the places that I could see seemed to be out of focus. I didn't know where I should look, what I should do, it was like a walking corpse, wanting to think but losing that ability.
I saw Tintin come to me in a panic, reaching out to try and help me up from the ground, asking me over and over again under his breath what was wrong. I looked at him in a daze, wanting to answer, but I don't know what happened to me, the memories of the past month came flooding back, every time we came back from the dead, we had secretly celebrated, because we had survived, so we thought that no matter how much difficulty we encountered, in the end it would be the same as before, to overcome the dangers, and to be safe and sound.
However, when I watched the wandering souls in the village appear one by one and then disappear again, I realized that we were actually all the same as these villagers, every time we were all equally powerless, just a little bit short of leaving this world forever. What was even more difficult for me was that all along the way, the root cause that brought about these dangers, and even these villagers from life to death, was all because of me.
Ding Ding used his hand to gesture in front of my eyes, and then said towards the little ghost, it's not good, Tan Xi is scared silly.
I wanted to laugh at that, but I didn't even have the ability to pull the corners of my mouth.
The little ghost looked at me for a moment, sighed, and said let's leave here first, find a safe place to rest for the night, and go back to the city tomorrow.
Ding Ding nodded and turned his head to look at me again, asking Tan Xi what to do, this is a mountain road ah, can't drag him along.
The little ghost thought for a moment, from my bag will ghost mound out to come, released the hanging ghost, probably and he said a little, the hanging ghost squatting in front of me, waiting for a pair of eyes looked at me for half a day, and then shook his head, dragged up my hands, and carried me on his back. They were not saying a word, have taken the torch out of their hands, illuminated the road, and walked towards the mountain in silence.
I lay on the hanged man's back, grasping his clothes, my heart empty, as if the bottomless abyss under the dugout coffin. I glanced back at the village, as if I wanted to memorize its shape and past, not a trace of it in my heart. The farther we walked, the smaller the village became in my eyes, and finally it became one with the foothills, no longer distinguishable.
That night we found a clearing in the mountains to rest, Ding Ding and the little ghost took turns keeping watch. This summer night was not considered cold, I lay down on the grass and looked at the sky in this big mountain, there were a lot of stars, completely different from the city. But this night, how I did not fall asleep, and when it was dawn, I got up from the ground.
The little ghost rubbed his eyes, yawned and looked at me, smiled and said Wake up? It's okay, right?
I nodded without saying anything.
He gazed at me for a while, his face still with the usual kind of bad smile, said Tan Xi, I know what you think in your heart, what you guys did in that house, Ding Ding and I also asked your cousin. It's not your fault either, no one knew that kind of thing would happen.
I still didn't make a sound, because I knew in my heart that it was just words of comfort from the brat.
But he looked at me and after a while, smiled again.
He took out a cigarette from his bag, pulled out and threw one to me, he lit it, inhaled deeply, and then spat out a white smoke, and said, you have to understand, dealing with ghosts and gods, life and death and what not, it is just as commonplace as eating, perhaps in the eyes of other people, can't see a few people pass away in their lifetime, but we are different, we are and death is involved, no matter where we go, we can't get out of this kind of No matter where we go, we can't get away from this kind of life. So you have to get used to it, when you meet a ghost, either you die or someone else dies, and the one thing to be thankful for is that you are still alive.
I looked down at my feet, there was dirt everywhere on my shoes, and the morning dew stuck to my pants legs, which were still soaked in large chunks. I think I used to think the same way as the brat, only thinking that it's a good thing to be alive, but since last night, watching so many people gone in an instant, I really can't let go easily, even if I go back from here, waiting for me, there's still Lin Jing.
I also don't understand why that little girl died all of a sudden, I was obviously fine before I left, I even remember her scolding me on the phone, despite that, she still helped me contact Lin Tian.
What about Lin Tian now? Shouldn't be much better than me, even Lin Jing was scared by me will be anxious with me red eyes, let alone now, people are so gone ……
I looked at the phone, it hadn't been turned on since I dropped it earlier. I wanted to ask Lin Tian about his situation, but I was afraid that if I knew too much, I wouldn't be able to bear it in the end. And right now, I didn't have the skills to comfort him.
I was silent for a long time, and lit the cigarette in my hand, inhaling it in one puff, and choking on it. Waiting for this cigarette to burn to the bottom, pressed on the ground to get extinguished, only then looked up and said to the little ghost, I understand what you mean, but I may not be able to get used to this kind of day in my life.
The little ghost looked straight at me, said not used to what you can do, your thing one day not solve, one day can not be peaceful. I know you want to get to the bottom of the problem, but because of this day, you are completely afraid and worried that more people will die because of you. If you don't say anything, I also know that you blame yourself in your heart. But if you don't continue to investigate, are you waiting for the truth to come to you on its own?
He paused for a moment, and then continued to say, you now have nothing, alone. I have a ghost car. If I can't beat it, I'll run away. Tintin can catch ghosts, ordinary ghosts and monsters can't do anything to him. We can't be by your side all the time, what should you do when the time comes, your mom can't save you now. Do you have any other way but to wait for death?
I seemed to be said by him in the heart, as if his own painstakingly hidden heart, all of a sudden by him to stab through the same, I do not know where the anger in my heart, opened his mouth to yell at him, right! I can't do anything! Besides waiting for death, what do you want me to do? I was never one of you guys, I've been living an ordinary life for more than twenty years, and although I've done poorly, it's better than the days of fear and trepidation I have now. I don't even fucking understand why these things are coming to me, now that so many people have died, who's going to be the one to die if we keep looking into it? Will it be you or Tintin? Instead of living my life with guilt when the time comes, it's better to have a pain in the ass now.
When I yelled this, the brats were silent, even Ding Ding and Xia Ruxuan were woken up by me. They glanced towards me and wanted to come forward, but were stopped by a wink from the little ghost.
He tilted his head slightly and looked at me with a scornful gaze, saying, Tan Xi, I don't need you to take care of my life, and I'm afraid of death as well, so that's why I went to you for help at that time. It is also because you were willing to fight for me at that time, that is why I am talking to you about this now, if it were someone else, I would not have that heart! You're afraid of other people dying right, look at him!
The little ghost said, raised his hand towards Xia Ruxuan, said, he is at least your relatives, right, you as his cousin, your own life can be disregarded, then you have considered him no? Now that the ancient building collapsed, he in addition to follow you, but also where to go, and to as long as he went out, the future to find the door of the ghost is also a steady stream. You haven't thought about how to help him out! You're scared, Then you fucking change! If you want to keep others alive, you have to keep yourself alive first. To hell with the guilt and the blame! You can't beat yourself up if you're not alive!
I stood frozen in place for a long time without saying anything, not that I accepted the kid's idea so instantly, but I simply couldn't find a reason to refute him. I clenched my fists, and glanced towards Xia Ruxuan, who was sitting in place, his hair slightly disheveled, his face still with a little bit of slightly drunken sleepiness, but a pair of eyes, also looking at me properly.
I couldn't understand the emotions in his eyes, but it suddenly occurred to me that he preferred to stay in this poor mountain valley for more than ten years, wasn't it for the sake of living. Just like what the little kid said, now he has nowhere to go. Where can he accommodate himself in the future, to find his brother-in-law, but I don't think he can face Xaining, who has now turned into a two-bit woman.
I stood in place for a long time, not knowing whether to remain silent or express my apologies to the little ghost. Fortunately, Ding Ding stood up, a lift of the hand around my neck, hey a smile, said Tan Xi ah, on your mind, death may not be able to become a Buddha. The little ghost is also for your own good, don't stare here.
Said, his hand force a pressure me, let me sit down, and made a wink towards the little ghost, the little ghost reluctantly smiled a little, before sitting next to me.
Ding Ding said, look, we came to this trip, more or less a little harvest, although I did not find my mother, but I do not intend to give up, we are now a rope on the grasshopper, although the purpose is different, the direction of action is still the same. Even if you meet God in the middle of the journey, I will definitely continue, I won't blame myself for your death.
Said, he used his hand to abduct the little kid, said right, little kid you look is the kind of heartless, escape to life are so tacit.
The little ghost slightly narrowed his eyes and looked at him, said, bah!
Ding Ding also do not see the blame, hehehe smile and said we first study will be how to go next, waiting out of the mountain, so that it is convenient to act.
His words just fell, I heard a sound of stomach grumbling, I and the little ghost at the same time looked toward him, but Ding Ding expression is very serious, said to look at me for what, and not me!
Then I felt Xia Ruxuan pull me a bit, put on a pitiful look and said Cousin, I am hungry ……
Ding Ding heard him say this, also not reserved, immediately followed his example, said cousin, I am also hungry ……
I was speechless to the point of being speechless, took out the instant food in the bag and distributed it to them, and when the two of them ate and drank enough, asked me what I wanted to do. I touched the cell phone in my pocket, thought for a while, and said I first have to go to Lin Tian!